Jokes are below:

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...never found the head."

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"
 
A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."
 
The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"
 
The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."

A good-OLE-boy staggered home late after another evening with his
drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened
entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled
down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the
mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full
box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on
each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he
managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his
wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You
were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the
bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house,
and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on
the downstairs mirror!"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner,
as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?"
he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in,
you're always welcome, Tim.

But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.

"There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
"Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no.
Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

My wife left me... And I don't   understand.                         

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses

 I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the
counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The
first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I
can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"
They both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's,"
replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to
St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?"
he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again." 

BBQ TRUTH


After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season.
Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking
activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element
of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL AND POURS BEER OVER IT.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if
she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her
annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...